Week 710: Aw, Shoot


It's the third Style Invitational photo contest, the bane of a few
text-only Invitationalists but a welcome challenge for others, who
offered up dozens of clever and surprisingly technically accomplished
entries in the previous contests, which featured quirky takes on fruit
and vegetables. This week: Send us a funny, clever, entirely original
photo featuring kitchen utensils and/or small household tools. Digital
doctoring is welcome, but you may not steal other people's photos -- or
ideas. Funny titles and captions are optional (don't bother using a
certain play on the word "fork"); don't put them in the photo, though. We
prefer that you e-mail the photos as attachments -- not right on the
e-mail -- in standard digital formats (we'll contact you if we can't open
them up properly) or you may mail them to the address below. Sorry,
photos won't be returned.

Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First
runner-up gets a car antenna ornament -- a little yellow ball with hair
and sunglasses -- that is sold as "Elvis" but is obviously Roy Orbison,
donated by Kevin Dopart in a shameless effort to buy ink. Also: the
Perfect Parker, a little smiley-face ball with arms and legs and a stop
sign in his or her hand. You hang Perfect in your garage so that, at the
end of a grueling commute home, you'll have the gratification of driving
right into the face of an incessantly cheery person. Both are pictured,
below.

Other runners-up win a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions (or whatever they're called that week) get one of the
lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.comor by mail to The Style
Invitational, The Washington Post, 1150 15th Deadline is Monday, April
30. Put "Week 710" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being
ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality.
All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be
edited for taste or content. Results will be published No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Results will be published May 20.
Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. Next week's revised title is
by Tom Witte. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Roy Ashley of
Washington.

Report From Week 706, in which we once again asked people to take a sentence from that week's
Washington Post and supply a question that the sentence might answer:

4. "Each time I find myself at the bottom of these behemoths, I slap on a
fierce look and begin to climb -- determined that this time I won't lose
my dignity.

As the National Zoo's proctologist, what's it like examining the
elephants? (Mike Fransella, Arlington)

3. April is the perfect time/ To think of words that match and rhyme.

What were the opening lines of T.S. Eliot's first draft of "The Waste
Land"? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

2. the winner of the Brain Drain candy and Scorned Woman mustard:

Cut the shrimp in half crosswise and set aside.

What will Karl and Dick do if Scooter rats them out? (Brendan Beary,
Great Mills)

And the Winner of the Inker

They must also not appear partisan.

In addition to being partisan, what's expected of a U.S. attorney?
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Below the Fold

Some people might say you are trying to take advantage of other people's
troubles.

When do you reply, "Well, duh, that's why I went to law school"? (Kevin
Dopart, Washington)

This is the place that made me who I am.

What's so special about the back seat of your parents' SUV? (Jay Shuck,
Minneapolis)

Enter a nondescript building in Ballston, take the escalator to the
second floor, and make a sharp right.

How do you get hold of Verizon customer service? (John Kupiec, Fairfax)

The researchers matched 9,477 women who died between 1980 and 2004 with
women who didn't die.

Why did the Lesbian Dating Research Service go out of business? (Chris
Doyle)

TD is characterized by four or more loose or watery bowel movements in a
day.

How has Tom DeLay coping with exile from the halls of power? (Brendan
Beary)

"No, no, he says, wrapping his scarf back around his neck."

Has he ever heard of Isadora Duncan? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

But snacking is a different story.

Isn't it true that full- blown cannibalism is extremely rare? (Russell
Beland)

I could use a lantern down here.

What was the tag line on Fox's short-lived series "Grizzly Mendelbaum,
Frontier Gynecologist"? (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)

Officers found a woman performing a dental procedure on a man.

What's the first line of Hugh Grant's police record? (Russell Beland)

You're going to have to learn to substitute the excitement of sex with
the much more tepid pleasures.

What is the true meaning of "I do"? (Rick Haynes, Potomac)

The French can eat all kinds of gross stuff.

Why did President Bush serve grits, a corn dog and a Twinkie to Jacques
Chirac? (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

It used to be people would complain they were delayed overnight; now you
hear of people delayed two and even three days.

What has been the public's reaction to JetBlue's new "comfort girl/guy"
service for its flight delays? (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)

Fragmented, insecure, ivory-towered, obsessed with sex and celebrity, the
Hellenist era is, as all historians agree, the period of classic
antiquity that most resembles our own.

How did George Will respond to a waitress who asked if he wanted fries
with his gyro? (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

There are ways to deal with that.

Senator, how do you respond to your opponent's charge that you're a crime
boss in New Jersey? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)

We think it could change Paris's image -- make it quieter, less polluted,
with a nicer atmosphere.

Monsieur, what does the French government want to accomplish with its ban
on chain-smoking, wine-snob, arrogant Parisians? (Cheryl Davis, Arlington)

After five weeks, things just drop off.

Why does Joan Rivers visit her plastic surgeon every four weeks? (Randy
Lee, Burke)

There's free mouthwash and chewing tobacco, free sunblock and tampons,
and after a free massage, you can make a delightful lunch out of Jack
Link's beef jerky.

What do they do at meetings of those Red Hat Ladies? (Marty McCullen,
Gettysburg, Pa.)

Children cannot or do not read labels, but the unhappy-face picture would
get their attention.

Why are forehead tattoos being proposed for convicted pedophiles? (Chris
Doyle)

He's married with kids.

So what's wrong with that Warren Jeffs guy? (Yoyo Zhou, Cambridge, Mass.)

I have not been willing to try for the Big Bang.

Mr. Gore, is there ANY development you don't attempt to take credit for?
(Drew Bennett, Alexandria)

Now she keeps spare evening gowns and hot rollers in her car, along with
a boxful of costume jewelry, a jumble of makeup, a laundry basket full of
shoes, a few bananas and some Chex Mix, dance costumes and, of course,
her crown.

How has the recent downturn in the British economy affected Queen
Elizabeth? (Kevin Dopart)

I truly understand the pickle you're in.

What did the Planters Peanut mascot say to the Vlasic mascot? (Russell
Beland)

Things that don't usually stick out must be stuck out; things that don't
usually dangle must be dangled; things that don't normally arch must be
arched.

What was the original draft of "Do the Hokey Pokey"? (Ira Allen, Bethesda)

I don't want to think that far ahead.

And do you promise to love her and cherish her until death do you part?
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)

Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not
eligible for prizes.

When former Army secretary Francis Harvey starts his new job at the
Pulitzer board, what will be his first order? (David Smith, Santa Cruz,
Calif.)

Next Week: Well, What Would YOU Do? or Kitty Litterature